When a Daughter Marries

This has been one of the most emotional years of my life. All within the last 12 months or so the following has taken place:

-My son Jon asked Stacey to marry him.
-My youngest child, Jessie graduated from high school and went away to college.
-My daughter Abby accepted Dave's marriage proposal.
-My son Nathan went to Army Basic Training.
-My husband had to go to Puerto Rico for work, only bringing him home about once per month.
-I turned 50.
-Jon married Stacey
-Abby married Dave, at our home.




There have been incredible highs and lows of emotion...

When you are truly in love with your best friend, and feel like you are still on your honeymoon after 26 years, it is profoundly difficult to endure regular 3 week separations, with sometimes only 48 hours together in between. Many tears have been shed after intimate moments and on the way home from the airport to drop him off. I just miss him so much.

And on the day my nest became empty, leaving Jessie in her college dorm room was almost unbearable. We both cried buckets that day.

 I got to relish in the accomplishments of Nate at his graduation from Basic Training. We beamed with pride at all he was able to achieve during that hell-ish 10 weeks in a sauna-like South Carolina summer. Private First Class and a platoon leader at that.

Without a doubt, though, seeing your children choose their mates for life brings the wildest swings of emotion. At first, everything is so exciting - they're walking around in the haze of young love, practically oblivious to all else. There is no greater reward than to see your children following hard after God, and then seeing them so wonderfully happy as they find the love of their life. I had this deep sense of satisfaction knowing that they would no longer

have to just observe a great love in their parents; they would experience all of it for themselves!

Then the reality settles in that they are truly leaving your home and establishing their own. This brings some tears, although it is natural and healthy. There is still a tearing away, not unlike labor and delivery, another huge life change, a new season.
 

With my son, I felt more highs than lows...it seems easier to send out a son. A mother feels much pride in the man her son has become, able to love and care for a family of his own. His wedding was a thoroughly joyous occasion. And maybe that was because I wasn't too involved in the planning.  Just so happy that God was blessing our boy with a great woman. He is mature, and ready and take on a family of his own. No stress to go along with the emotions.



But planning and executing my daughter Abby's wedding was a different story. It's now been a little over two weeks since the huge event and I've had some time to pause and reflect. It was absolutely dreamy. We had a nice dry week leading up to an incredibly perfect day. About 75 degrees, a gentle breeze, sunny, no bugs, no humidity. About 145 people descended on our little neighborhood and sat under the trees and celebrated the wedding with us. We had lots of photos with great lighting (of course, well thought-out by the photographer-bride), lawn games, a photo booth, wine, great food, dancing, wonderful fellowship with old friends. Since Abby lives in Seattle, most of the planning happened on this end, so I was heavily engaged. I worked very hard to not become stressed out about the details. I knew that I had no control whatsoever over the weather; our backup plan was to do it all indoors and under a tent attached to the house. Each morning and at moments during the days leading up to it, I took practical steps every time stress would try to creep in. I prayed. I asked God to take care of everything and then I let it go, refused to dwell on it and got on with whatever I had to do. 

And as it turned out, it was perfect. No one was stressed. I had a huge group of amazing friends that stepped up and carried out our wishes for preparing and serving the reception. I hired a small crew to clean up and stack chairs, etc. Many people contributed their time and energy to setting and cleaning up. Everything went off without a hitch. We even had a nice morning after to get the yard back in shape and ready for the rentals company to come and pick everything up. Our family time together with all of the kids home, many extended family here, and so many good friends from years gone by to come and celebrate was beyond satisfying. My tank felt very full.

Watching my beautiful first-born make herself ready for her groom was a moment to soak in. She arranged her lovely curls with flowers and veil. A professional make-up artist came and enhanced all her natural beauty. We zipped and buttoned her into her lace gown, made to fit her lovely form perfectly. I stitched a special garter for her and embellished it with jewels and lace. A simple pearl dangled at her delicate neckline. She was the picture of perfect femininity head to toe. Ready to be given to her man as a gift from God. She was prepared. Her maids laid their hands on her in the ante-room and prayed for God's blessings on this marriage. She veiled her face, and linked arms with her dad. She whispered "I love you Daddy" with a gentle smile. With tears welling up, he said, "I just can't talk to you right now," and they walked down a burlap aisle.

Dave beamed as she approached him on her father's arm. We stood and honored the woman she has become, the bride made ready. They joined hands and committed solemn vows under a canopy of trees, while birds sang in the background. No cathedral could compare to grandeur of that forest.

I am amazed at what a spiritual moment the wedding of your daughter is. So much symbolism...Christ being the groom and the collective church, the bride. We spend our lifetimes making ourselves ready to meet our groom. And the covenant that is made on that day; we also have a covenant bound by love and eternity with our God. The joy that they will share together for a lifetime is all a lovely picture of the intimate relationship that God longs for with us. Those in a loving committed marriage get a little taste of Heaven.

Then there is the letting go of that girl, that young woman from the protection of mother and father and the giving of her to someone else's care. Trusting that he will love and protect her as much or more-so than we have. Kirk has always told our girls, "you'd better not bring me any man that doesn't love you as much as I do!" I rest assured that Dave loves Abby with all of his being. I watched at the rehearsal luncheon how Abby looked at him. There was such deep love and longing in her eyes. I feel quite confident that there is much depth of love, of trust, of hope.

As a matter of fact the word "hope" has appeared over and over again in their love affair. Dave told Abby on their first date, that he had hopes about her. Later, as they sorted out what was happening between them, he often told her that he had hopes for a life shared together. On their wedding programs, "Hope + Life" was emblazoned across the top.

But even with that assurance, there is no denying the intermingling of sadness and joy. Our relationship will never be the same. The change is deafening. The loyalties shifting. She bears his name now. But the joy I feel in knowing that a holy union has taken place and a new family unit formed in the way God intended it to happen, is quite satisfying. I feel completely at peace that this is right. This is what God wanted. This is what He has prepared for her. We've been praying for Dave since Abby was in utero. We certainly didn't know who he would be back then, but we prayed for him all the same. And now here he is. An incredible young man from a tremendous spiritual heritage. We love him and love his family dearly and couldn't have special-ordered anything better for our daughter.

I have reflected so many times in the last few months about my own newly married life. We moved far away from our families, and I know my parents suffered. But as a newlywed, I was completely absorbed in my new life. Calling or writing my parents was not high on my priority list. I see now how much work my mother put into my wedding, all of the scheduling and ordering and arranging. I can imagine how she must have felt being so far away, not having a front-row seat to my love affair. Mothers like all women, love a good romance, and when your own daughters are enjoying one first-hand, Mom would love to be front and center. I took all that for granted until now. Now I'm the mother of the bride with all this emotion to deal with.

But deep-down, I am so happy for them. I love that the legacy Kirk and I have begun is being passed on to this next generation successfully. So many riches have we absorbed from our own parents, and now on to our successors. I know that they will get to experience all the wonders of a committed loving, relationship with a life partner.

Till death do they part.

The Humble Lentil

As I've mentioned before, we have lived in Italy twice: once in the late 1980s and again, in the first year of this new millenium. Such rich cultural experiences can be had by living, not just visiting, overseas. Both times (and these opportunities were related to my husband's work) we determined to immerse ourselves in Italian life. We studied the language and tried to be culturally sensitive. We spent time in our neighbors' homes. Our kids played with an assortment of Francescas and Federicos. We ate Italian food, attended their festivals, and drank a LOT of cappuccinos, er, um, cappuccini.

Here in North Carolina, a traditional meal for New Year's Day is black-eyed peas. Eat 365 black-eyed peas for 365 days of good luck. In Italy, it's lentils. Indeed, it would be easier to eat 365 lentils. I didn't grow up in either place, so I've no attachment to the traditions, but it's always nice to have a good go-to recipe for these things if the mood strikes.

 So, in honor of the new year, our first cooking night involved this humble legume. Inexpensive, mineral and vitamin rich, and available in many colors, these high-fiber jewels need little introduction. But American diets don't typically contain them. I am not sure when I ate my first lentils, but I can guarantee it was well into my adult life.

Menu:

Lentil Stew with Sausage and Tortellini

Cornbread (homemade this time)

Assorted Pickles and Olives

Apple Crisp with Vanilla Ice Cream

My dear friend, Ana, also spent many years in Europe and introduced me to this wonderful recipe. I invited a crowd to help me cook this time, and we had many new faces. This recipe is easily multiplied and accompanied by cornbread and finger food, makes a hearty and well-rounded meal. It was a cold night when we cooked together, so a warm apple crisp with ice cream was perfect to go with this comforting soup. Becca, of Puerto Rican cooking night fame, chimed in, with "let's make more of the 'goody'!" She was talking about the topping to make apple, well, crisp. So we doubled the butter, brown sugar and cinnamon and, well, she was right! It was super-wonderful.

Is there a seamstress in the house?

I learned to sew at a young age. I have fond memories of sitting on my grandma's lap while she pieced together tiny bits of fabric to make Barbie clothes for me. She bounced me along while she pumped the treadle with her feet on that old Singer, and I watched as the stitches magically appeared. My mother also sewed, and supervised and advised as I experimented with my own designs. Sewing, as well as child care and cooking, were required courses for girls the three years I was at Arbutus Junior High School (the boys were busy in welding, carpentry and auto mechanics). And then one of my first jobs was in a commercial drapery shop, where I learned even more practical wisdom about working with large pieces of fabric, using the presser foot to sew a straight line, how to use buckram to make pleats, and putting my math skills to work to measure accurately. So, by the time I was 16, I was a fairly experienced seamstress. I took all this for granted, until I was about 30 and noticed how difficult it was to find a fabric store. I realized that not many people sew anymore. I've been asked repeatedly to teach sewing. What I usually say is that I'll show them how to use their machine, and a few basics, but the best way to learn is to just start doing it. Gaining confidence around the terminology, a pattern, your machine, a pair of good shears...cannot be taught. You must just dive in.

I feel a little melancholy when I think about this skill that has been so useful for centuries, just slowly dying out. I feel it must be one of those tragic collateral damage losses from the women's liberation movement...you know, throwing the baby out with the bathwater and all. How did we ever buy into the lie that homemaking skills were an insult to our intelligence? It's an art form that has suffered greatly in the last 30 years. I am on a mission to bring it all back. I am not alone...Martha Stewart has become a wealthy lady by inspiring excellent homemakers. And what are the hottest topics on Pinterest? Cooking, home interiors, DIY projects.

It's just so much fun to take a plain bolt of fabric, cut it and transform it into something beautiful and custom. When my children were babies, I loved making darling little outfits for them. I've altered much of my wardrobe and those pieces end up being the ones I wear most because they fit properly. I have adjusted waistlines (in and out!) on my husband's dress pants over and over again, altered my sons' suits and repeatedly repaired their blue jeans. Most recently, I've worked on my daughter's wedding gown. I don't know what I would do if I had to pay someone to make custom window treatments...I know how much I get paid to do this! And it's such a great way to make a house your home. What would I do without my ability to sew?

Here are some examples of window treatments (and general interior design) I have done recently...

So this post is dedicated to the generations of women in my family that carried the tradition of sewing...Grandma, Aunt Sue, Aunt Annie, Mom...I have taught my daughters the basics (and sons actually...although I try to keep one of them away from my sewing machine as he broke it once trying to make a costume with seat belt webbing!) and 

I hope that they fill their homes with 

beautiful handmade things.

Thrift Store Obsession

Now that we've got Jon and Stacey married, it's time to turn our focus to our daughter Abby's wedding to Dave in April. We've all been working hard to do all the planning tasks, including juggling schedules and meetings so that they can make plans when they are here in town. See, they live 3,000 miles away and the wedding is here! So a few days after my son's wedding in December, we had appointments with the seamstress, the rentals company, and the caterer. The caterer. Hmmm. The caterer (to whom I've given a $500 deposit!) has filed for bankruptcy. I doubt we will see our deposit or any catering services, since it's been a month now, and no contact from them at all.

So, I've rallied the troops: all my dear friends with a similar passion for cooking and hospitality will help me throw a dinner party for 200 in my backyard. One of our desires is to make this reception as visually stunning as the bride herself...although I doubt that is possible, actually. No plastic platters from the party store for us! I am on a mission: to amass as many silver platters, trays and water pitchers as I can possibly store in my home. There are wonderful thrift and antique stores here in my home town and they were loaded with these items until I arrived and bought them all! (Actually, me and Nan - I have a little friendly rivalry with my neighbor, Nan about these outings. We try to see who found the most amazing items at the best prices.) My kids think I have lost my mind and am hoarding. Some were only $2 and $3! They were terribly tarnished as a result of many years of neglect, possibly buried in the back of some barn for 50 years, but I saw past all that ugly and realized there were treasures to be had beneath. There must be many a little old lady who left her earthly treasures to the PTA Thrift Stores in this little town, when she passed on. Who knew?

Hard to tell from the photos, but the one in the middle says it best (before and after).

Wright's Silver Polish to the rescue!

Here are some more examples of the finished products...

So beautiful wedding reception, here we come!

A Son's Wedding

Well, it happened. We married off one of our children. Our second-born, Jon married Stacey a week before Christmas in a lovely outdoor ceremony. It was a beautiful moment in time; a life-time of reward in one 30 minute ceremony. When your kids are young, their weddings seem so far away. On those days when they are throwing things at their little brothers or forgetting to do their Chemistry homework, a mother wonders if they will ever be mature and responsible enough to be married. So it is quite rewarding to watch that son grow into maturity, taking on responsibility for themselves, loving a woman, and asking her to be his partner for life. The words spoken on that day are for life, and a covenant is made. It was a momentous day, full of tears and joy and laughter. I laid my head on my husband's shoulder as Stacey walked down the aisle with her dad, and tried to drink in the moment. My handsome son was up front watching with baited breath as his beautiful bride came to him on her daddy's arm. They gazed into each others eyes and committed themselves for life. They prayed together and exchanged rings. Then we ate and danced and sent them off on their new life together. They have set up housekeeping nearby, and are just so adorable.

As a mom, I just continue to revel in the blessing. We sometimes go through very rough times watching our children grow up. They can make really bad decisions and we hate to see them suffer. We hope for the best in their lives, but they sometimes choose the worst for themselves. We spend countless hours on our knees, asking God to protect them and preserve them for His purposes. We watch them hurt other people in their immaturity and hold our breath until they make it right.

But then, they blossom. They start to say "thank you" more often. They offer to help. They pay for your lunch out together. They apologize. They become good citizens. They serve their community. They lead others. It's just amazing.

So far, my fondest memory of the last few weeks has been one afternoon when I had stopped by Jon and Stacey's apartment. Jon was home, but Stacey was still on her way. He looked out of the window the same time Stacey's bus pulled up some distance away. He said, "oh, there's her bus. Hmmm, I wonder if she'll come right home or if she'll stop and pick up the mail. Oh, she's taking the shortcut." He watched her every move, all the way to the apartment door, then he eagerly opened it, kissed her hello and brought her in from the cold. It was absolutely precious. So much love. I am so proud of him. And so happy for them both.

The Annual Gingerbread House

For the last 22 years, our family has built a gingerbread creation...not always technically a "house" but everything from a Swiss chalet to an igloo to a church. The castle makes its recurrent appearance, this year being one of them. Seems the baby of the family couldn't shake the dream of building a castle this time, and since she's technically the only one still living at home (some of the year), we decided she should have the final say on its design. Other contenders were a Gingerbread Beach Condo and a Gingerbread Yurt - ??? (Our daughter Abby travels internationally a lot for work...so I think she had some exotic rendition in mind...)

So, castle with four turrets, crenelations and a central tower it is. A few years ago Abby put together this video about the process. It has become a family tradition, though as one can see in the video, a bit of a drudgery to Pops Metty. But he loves all the attention his whining brings him. :) This year's was an epic event with lots of extra "Mettys" around to help, give advice, and just eat up the candy. It has become a well-known annual event among those who know us, and each November when the Christmas decorations start coming out o f the attic, I start getting asked, "what's the gingerbread design this year?"

I kept a book called, Let's Make a Memory, by Shirley Dobson on my shelf for the first several years of my marriage. In it, Mrs. Dobson encourages women as keepers of the home, to establish traditions that will draw all family members into a unit. Finding things that everyone enjoys and looks forward to each year is sometimes tricky. You could start doing something that is fun the first year, but no one wants to do it again. Or it's too expensive. Or no one liked it the first year! Holidays are great times of establishing these heartwarming rituals and help to create a unique personality for each family. Have you ever noticed that a home has a personality? Some homes are tense. Some are peaceful. Some fun, or loud, or sad. I have heard it said (and want it for my home!) that laughter should fill the walls.

I strongly believe that this is one of the chief roles a woman plays in her family. She is the one that sets the tone, that builds the emotional intimacy, that is the gatekeeper of influence. We often say, "when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." This is true. But when Mama sets a happy tone in her home, then it is easier for the others to fall in line. Ladies, be proactive about this. If we let the personality of our homes just 'happen,' then it is easy for negativity, criticism, and strife to exist. But if we can be intentional about building our homes, we can pass along a wonderful heritage to our children, and create a place where others will want to come and find rest. That, to me, is the true meaning of hospitality. Making your home a place of refreshment and peace. So many people need this in our world.

To wax philosophical for just a moment: our gingerbread creations may look good on the outside, full of candy and sugar. But they are always empty on the inside; no one lives there, and they sit lonely on the dining room table for weeks after they are built. I want my home to be beautiful, but I wouldn't trade the noisy, busy, fun place that it is for all the finery of a glitzy house. I always want it to be full of people, sharing our lives together.

Pantry Soup

So, I got to go home to NC after my first few weeks in Puerto Rico. I was a happy girl. The kids have been keeping the house in pretty good shape, although my puppy was in desperate need of a bath. It took me a while, however, to get back into the swing of things in terms of being in charge of the household again. I hit the ground running with doctors appointments, meeting friends for coffee and following up on construction projects that we had started.

I wanted to cook something for everyone who would be home that night, but I was tired after a long day of running around, and the last thing I wanted to do was hop in the car and go out for groceries. This is when one's culinary skill is tested: what can you make with what you've got in the house?

There had been several cans of beans and peas in the pantry for months. I don't know if someone bought them for a food pantry and never delivered them or if they were the collected leftovers from some retreat. But I was tired of seeing them in there and put together a plan to turn them into something delicious. A can of peas is nothing special on its own, but with the combined magic of oil, garlic, bacon...mmmmm.

I don't have any photos to share, so you'll have to use your imagination. But I've learned when working with beans, though filling and satisfying, they need some help in the flavor department. A basic beginning to any bean based soup is a combination of oil, some sort of cured pork product (think bacon, sandwich ham, smoked ham, sausage), thyme, basil, carrots, celery, onions, garlic, a cube of chicken boullion, salt and a lot of black pepper. Once you get all that going, simmering the vegetables down to a nice soft consistency, you can add the beans. If you are using dry beans, of course soaking them and cooking them first would be necessary. But since I was cleaning out the pantry I used the cans I had on hand: cannelini, peas, limas, black. I drained all of them first, using the liquid as needed to make a soup. I warmed all the beans in the oil and vegetable mixture, to spread all the flavors around evenly. I added the liquid from the beans a little at a time, and some water. And then as I was finishing up, it seemed the soup wasn't quite thick enough. I thought about blending half the soup to create a thick consistency, but I saw a lonely can of refried pinto beans at the back of the shelf. In the pot and give it a good stirring. Instantly perfect consistency! I made some cornbread and we had a very veggie meal.

This made a pretty huge pot of soup, so it was great for lunches, etc. To me, it always feels good to clean out the pantry. I like to wait until I've made use of almost everything in the house before I go shopping again. That way, I know we are eating everything I buy and nothing is going to waste.

A couple of photos are always a good idea on a blog...even if they have nothing to do with the entry! So, here's what else we did while home on this little break from PR:

I really enjoyed my fall garden...

...and we got in a great visit with our kids in the mountains!