The Case for Staying Home

So much has been expressed in my adult life about gender equality and role assignments, but not all views are given equal voice. Since I grew up in the 1960's, my understanding and opinions were shaped by a lot of stereotypes about this. And the choices I made as an adult woman and their consequences have obviously shaped my opinions. I want to state here at the outset that I realize I am only one of many voices about male and female roles and how households can/should/will work, and that I am not necessarily "right." But I feel like outside of the Christian community, my kind of voice is not even welcome at the discussion table.

I am the voice of the housewife, euphemistically changed to "stay-at-home-mom" in the 1980s. I lived a version of that stereotype and it worked for our family. I read an article today that repeatedly stated or assumed several things I really take issue with:

• that women want it all (what is "all" anyway?)
• if there is a stay-at-home mom, then "the father is the head of the household because he is the provider" 
• the solution to balancing work and family is not about who does what, but about the availability of affordable, quality child care
• and most disturbing: the underlying foundational belief by this writer and many others, that all women want or need a career other than homemaking. 

I want to address all of these things from my perspective. I hold a BS Ed., and worked as a teacher for two years before choosing to stay home full-time to raise my children and serve my family. My husband and I made the choice to live on one income while our children were young, supplementing it with small business ventures that I could participate in. As our kids moved into their teen years, we started a business, and I now work with my husband from our home office. 

I am thankful that we live in a society where women have choices about what they do with their lives. I know that many women work outside the home for a variety of reasons. I would like to speak to the audience of women who are wrestling with the decision to go back to work because they feel compelled to by society, even though they feel the tug to stay home with their babies. There has been an overemphasis on women and career, leaving those of us gals who want to be full-time homemakers in the dust. Inadvertently we feel marginalized, mocked and maybe even a little vilified, like we are contributing to 'the problem.'

Firstly, do all women ascribe to the notion that they can have it all? Do they want it all? What is "it all" anyway? I think the idea of of having it all must mean having a successful career, a happy husband and children. It also includes, among many other things, having enough money to:

• live in a beautiful, well decorated home
• wear a dry-cleaned, stylish wardrobe
• serve our family home-cooked, healthful, organic meals, and eat out a few times per week 
• work out at a gym enough to look fab
• throw our kids carnival-like birthday parties
• drive a new-ish car and get it washed weekly
• take an annual family vacation that includes hotels, restaurants, and plane tickets
• romantic dates and weekends away with our husbands
• serve cheerfully and faithfully at your child's school, your church or favorite charity

Is this really possible? Which of those things could you give up? How much is all that worth to you? And even if it was possible, could a woman really squeeze a successful career into all that anyway? 

What happens, inevitably, is something(s) gives. Either the career suffers, or the meals are made by someone else, or you get out of shape, or you and your husband start fighting, or the child rearing is out-sourced. You can NOT have it all. So ask yourself, what are the things that are most important? What should I give my best to? What are the things that are time-sensitive (like hearing your child's first words, or being there for them when they sick)?

Secondly, I don't embrace the notion that just because the husband brings home the paycheck, he is the head of the household. It actually insults me deeply that someone would write this about my style of family. My husband and I are true partners in every respect. He doesn't look down on my role as a stay-at-home-mom any more than I look down on him because he is an engineer. I don't look down on him because he takes the trash to the dump any more than he looks down on me for cooking. The idea of roles and responsibilities is one that should be discussed when a couple is engaged, and then frequently throughout their marriage. I remember reading a book as a young mom about what it takes to run a family. The authors listed out every single task that had to happen to keep their household functioning like a well-oiled machine. Some of those tasks included feeding the dog, taking out the trash, meal planning, grocery shopping, food preparation, cleaning, changing diapers, etc. It also included, as one of the tasks, earning money. Once they had all the tasks listed out, they were divided among the family members. Although this family had nine children of varying ages, this method would work for any family, and is really important in helping children feel like a necessary part. And I always loved the way the authors just chose to include "earning money" as one of many tasks. Not the most important task, just one of them. Imagine if any of those above tasks were to be excluded. Imagine the chaos and disorder that would ensue if no one took out the trash or changed diapers. ALL of the tasks required to run a family are important. If it makes the most sense for the husband to earn the paycheck, then he should. If it makes more sense for the parents to run a business together, then that's what they should do. But that doesn't make anyone more important than the others. 

Thirdly, it absolutely baffles me that we so readily out-source our childcare. Again, I know there are situations where mothers must leave their children in the care of others in order to work and provide for their families. I'm not talking about them; and most of them would probably say they wished they could stay home with their kids anyway. The writer of the article I mentioned points out the cost of child care for two children exceeds the cost of rent. And the same article states that only 10% of child care is considered high quality. Who could provide a higher quality of childcare than the parents themselves? Why is it an acceptable practice to place your children in the mediocre care of a stranger and then pay exorbitant amounts for it? What are we trading for this? Perhaps the cost of working outside the home should be recalculated: childcare + wardrobe + transportation + meals out + exhaustion + whose values are being communicated to our children = ? Maybe the solution to balancing work and family is about Mom taking some years to devote to family alone. Dads must get in on the game, too and support this decision 100%. So many benefits await the family who can make this happen. 

I knew that the twenty or so years of child-rearing would pass all too quickly. I recognized that no one would love my kids and lay down their life for them like I would. I have loved working at home, don't regret for a minute giving up my teaching career to be a stay-at-home mom, and love the flexibility it has offered our family. I want to list some of the advantages to this life path that I have experienced:

• Financial freedom from spending on work related expenses (wardrobe, dry-cleaning, meals out, child-care, transportation costs, summer camps for kids, housecleaning services)
• Flexibility for the family to only work around one work schedule
• Freedom from work-related stress for at least one of the marriage partners
• Ample opportunity to be involved in child's education and extracurricular activities
• Time to devote to creating a positive atmosphere within one's home
• Opportunity to be home and involved in monitoring children's relationships and activities
• The ability to shape attitudes and belief systems in our children because of the sheer volume of time spent with them
• The ability to work a cottage industry if I so chose, which I did and eventually developed a family business with my husband

The last point I wanted to address is the question of whether or not all women want to work beyond the home. I have two daughters. I wanted them both to have options in life. I wanted them to prepare for a career, while at the same time valuing and honoring the role of a wife and mother. Being a full time homemaker IS a profession. One can become excellent at this job. Our culture is sorely lacking in excellent housewives and mothers, and I believe our "worship" of success is partly to blame. 

Many of my friends, obviously, have chosen the same profession. They are all happy, well-adjusted women who understand the importance of investing in the life of their home. Few of them complain about their jobs. They/we all love our jobs. Our children, many of whom are grown now, are not perfect, but they are secure and confident and well-rounded, having spent their formative years mainly with the people who birthed them and have more of a vested interest in their well-being than anyone else on the planet. 

In addition, our culture is plagued with narcissism. We think our happiness is the ultimate goal. We want the best of everything, and are unsatisfied until we achieve it. There is a decidedly self-centered approach to life. "What is best for me?" rather than "what is best for the children?" seems to be the question that is asked.

So in closing, I would like to say to the moms that are wrestling with their decision to work a job outside their home: ask yourself why you are doing it, and if it's because you feel like your family income needs it, then re-evaluate your spending. If it's about feeling valued or important, ask yourself if giving up the few years your children are young to other people's care is worth it. If it's because you spent a lot of money on your bachelor's degree and feel obligated to use it, just wait. You will have opportunity to use it again, and gain a lot of valuable experience along the way, and an amazing family that will be your biggest cheerleaders!

Separation Anxiety

Son, Nathan and Mary's wedding in May

Separation anxiety is a term we hear often when we are talking about babies and toddlers. Or maybe even our dogs. But have you ever heard a mature fifty-something mom say that SHE suffers from it?

Well, that would be me. I am admitting it. I struggle with being separated from my kids. I have been trying to cope with these feelings for years. Gosh, I even cried when we dropped our first-born off at her dorm in 2005, which was only 15 miles away. There have been numerous times since then that I've hugged them goodbye and wished them well. And then gotten in the car and sobbed. 

I loved being a mom. Still do, but I loved raising kids. Having babies, then toddlers, then children, then teens. Introducing them to the world bit by bit - roses, hummingbirds, sandcastles, the solar system. Teaching them to read and ride a bicycle and cook. Taking them camping and introducing them to new cultures.  I loved making pancakes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mac and cheese. I loved snuggling with them, and being adored by them. I remember telling my little boys after smothering them with kisses, that one day their faces would be covered with prickly whiskers and they wouldn't want to kiss me anymore. They couldn't imagine that. 

 

Easter 1993

But little by little they gain distance from their mama. First they crawl into another room, then play at the neighbor's. Before you know it, they are staying overnight at a friend's house, going away to camp for a week, and working their first job. Then dorm life and their first apartment. Thankfully, it happens gradually! And although growth is natural and healthy, and you know in the back of your mind that their separation from you is coming, it is not easy. I always cringe a little when I hear moms wishing for the day when their kids are gone and they can get "their life" back. Or wishing for some new stage of development, ostensibly saying they don't like the one they're in. But that stage is fleeting and they will never be a newborn, 4 or 16 years old again. My encouragement is always to remind them how quickly it passes, and like some old sage tell them to relish the moments.

                 

Home school, need I say more?

Living abroad in Italy

Spring 2007

Ebey's Landing, WA

With Abby in Seattle, 2010

I will talk about my eldest, Abby, because this one has been the most challenging in terms of my separation anxiety. Like many oldest girls, she was a compliant and easy child, eager to please and easy to get along with. She was like another mom to the other kids at times, and incredibly responsible. As she grew into young adulthood we became friends. We wanted her to express her desire to travel and use the gifts she had to affect the world, and I knew in the back of my mind she would live far away from me one day. She spent a semester in New York City after high school, and that was a tough moment of separation for both of us. And then she moved into a dorm in the college town nearby. Although I knew I could see her often if I wanted to, I thought it was the healthy thing to give her lots of space, and come to me when she wanted to. She became a beautiful and confident young woman, and developed skill in her chosen profession, photography. Upon graduation she ventured out to the west coast to accept a newspaper internship with The Oregonian.  Little did I know that day she drove away in her Honda, that she was vanishing from my everyday (or at least every-week) life. No longer was she nearby and available for an impromptu dinner invite or a coffee date. She wasn't even in a similar time zone, so that even phone dates were difficult to schedule. But I "endured" (I'm really sounding melodramatic now) those three months, secretly hoping she would make her way back to the east coast.

But it wasn't to be. She took a job with a non-profit in Seattle. And she fell in love with Seattle. And then she fell in love IN Seattle. At times, I almost couldn't believe she was falling in love and I couldn't be witness to their budding romance. She was so great about sharing much of it over the phone, but it still wasn't the same as being there. Here she was, one of my closest friends, and I  had only met her boy once! They married and settled into a new apartment with all their wedding gifts. And it was dawning on me that she wasn't coming back. 

There were many tearful conversations about this. Sometimes she hadn't felt included about some family information. More often, I was the one feeling badly that she was far away from me. We had many heart-to-hearts, and shared a lot of emotion over it. I still tear up sometimes when I think about this life change. When we are visiting each other, I feel pressure to make every minute count, and I'm sure I am passing that stress on to her. 

Abby and Dave

But I've recently had an epiphany (or two). I took a step back and saw that Abby's first 18 years were only preparation for her life to come. As her mom, I had the privilege of being the one to shape her and contribute a huge amount of influence. But that was not her life. Her mature life was to come after, what it was all building up to. I had sunk so much emotion into those formative years, that I lost sight of the goal. And instead of rejoicing in a great outcome to all those years of preparation and prayer, I was loathing the very thing I had hoped for her. 

The other thing I realized was that she has been called to Seattle. She loves everything about that city and the Pacific Northwest. Not everyone does. I love living here in North Carolina. Not everyone does. So she has planted there, and is flourishing. Not to say that God may move them elsewhere in the future, but for now, this is where she is best fulfilling the call of God on her life. What more could a parent want? 

And so, I feel like I am beginning to heal from my separation anxiety, and release her into her destiny. She may never have felt fully released, and then never have been able to realize her full potential in that place, if I don't actually let her go.

I do have three other kids, also young adults in different phases of life and distances from home. Both my sons are now married, and my youngest daughter is still in college. This has helped make this little season of change easier, but there have been many tears associated with the cutting of those apron strings, too. 

I am so thankful that while my kids were growing up I cultivated a life independent from them. I have so many other relationships, interests and pursuits that keep me occupied. I would exhort all young moms out there to be careful not to make your children your only pursuit. It should be a priority, but not the only thing you do. You will be a virtual basket case when they leave home! Invest in your marriage, a career, hobbies, friendships, philanthropy, and/or your education. 

And my husband has played a huge role in my 'healing.' If we didn't have such a fun, vibrant relationship, I'm sure this would all be a million times more difficult. I'm so glad we took the time to invest in our marriage, because that's how all this child-rearing came to be in the first place! We knew someday it would be back to just the two of us, and that time is upon us. I remember listening to this song as a young mom, and thinking it was so far off: "...but Baby, what will we do, when it comes back to me and you? They look a little less like little boys everyday. And the pleasure of watching the children growing, is mixed with a bitter cup, of knowing the water-colored ponies will one day ride away." - Wayne Watson, Water-Colored Ponies  

I'm glad we know what to do - we're riding motorcycles, taking long walks, dancing in the kitchen, sharing a glass of wine and cooking to French Cafe Radio on Pandora.