Son, Nathan and Mary's wedding in May |
Separation anxiety is a term we hear often when we are talking about babies and toddlers. Or maybe even our dogs. But have you ever heard a mature fifty-something mom say that SHE suffers from it?
Well, that would be me. I am admitting it. I struggle with being separated from my kids. I have been trying to cope with these feelings for years. Gosh, I even cried when we dropped our first-born off at her dorm in 2005, which was only 15 miles away. There have been numerous times since then that I've hugged them goodbye and wished them well. And then gotten in the car and sobbed.
I loved being a mom. Still do, but I loved raising kids. Having babies, then toddlers, then children, then teens. Introducing them to the world bit by bit - roses, hummingbirds, sandcastles, the solar system. Teaching them to read and ride a bicycle and cook. Taking them camping and introducing them to new cultures. I loved making pancakes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mac and cheese. I loved snuggling with them, and being adored by them. I remember telling my little boys after smothering them with kisses, that one day their faces would be covered with prickly whiskers and they wouldn't want to kiss me anymore. They couldn't imagine that.
Easter 1993 |
Home school, need I say more? |
Living abroad in Italy |
Spring 2007 |
Ebey's Landing, WA |
With Abby in Seattle, 2010 |
But it wasn't to be. She took a job with a non-profit in Seattle. And she fell in love with Seattle. And then she fell in love IN Seattle. At times, I almost couldn't believe she was falling in love and I couldn't be witness to their budding romance. She was so great about sharing much of it over the phone, but it still wasn't the same as being there. Here she was, one of my closest friends, and I had only met her boy once! They married and settled into a new apartment with all their wedding gifts. And it was dawning on me that she wasn't coming back.
There were many tearful conversations about this. Sometimes she hadn't felt included about some family information. More often, I was the one feeling badly that she was far away from me. We had many heart-to-hearts, and shared a lot of emotion over it. I still tear up sometimes when I think about this life change. When we are visiting each other, I feel pressure to make every minute count, and I'm sure I am passing that stress on to her.
Abby and Dave |
But I've recently had an epiphany (or two). I took a step back and saw that Abby's first 18 years were only preparation for her life to come. As her mom, I had the privilege of being the one to shape her and contribute a huge amount of influence. But that was not her life. Her mature life was to come after, what it was all building up to. I had sunk so much emotion into those formative years, that I lost sight of the goal. And instead of rejoicing in a great outcome to all those years of preparation and prayer, I was loathing the very thing I had hoped for her.
The other thing I realized was that she has been called to Seattle. She loves everything about that city and the Pacific Northwest. Not everyone does. I love living here in North Carolina. Not everyone does. So she has planted there, and is flourishing. Not to say that God may move them elsewhere in the future, but for now, this is where she is best fulfilling the call of God on her life. What more could a parent want?
And so, I feel like I am beginning to heal from my separation anxiety, and release her into her destiny. She may never have felt fully released, and then never have been able to realize her full potential in that place, if I don't actually let her go.
I do have three other kids, also young adults in different phases of life and distances from home. Both my sons are now married, and my youngest daughter is still in college. This has helped make this little season of change easier, but there have been many tears associated with the cutting of those apron strings, too.
I am so thankful that while my kids were growing up I cultivated a life independent from them. I have so many other relationships, interests and pursuits that keep me occupied. I would exhort all young moms out there to be careful not to make your children your only pursuit. It should be a priority, but not the only thing you do. You will be a virtual basket case when they leave home! Invest in your marriage, a career, hobbies, friendships, philanthropy, and/or your education.
And my husband has played a huge role in my 'healing.' If we didn't have such a fun, vibrant relationship, I'm sure this would all be a million times more difficult. I'm so glad we took the time to invest in our marriage, because that's how all this child-rearing came to be in the first place! We knew someday it would be back to just the two of us, and that time is upon us. I remember listening to this song as a young mom, and thinking it was so far off: "...but Baby, what will we do, when it comes back to me and you? They look a little less like little boys everyday. And the pleasure of watching the children growing, is mixed with a bitter cup, of knowing the water-colored ponies will one day ride away." - Wayne Watson, Water-Colored Ponies
I'm glad we know what to do - we're riding motorcycles, taking long walks, dancing in the kitchen, sharing a glass of wine and cooking to French Cafe Radio on Pandora.
I'm glad we know what to do - we're riding motorcycles, taking long walks, dancing in the kitchen, sharing a glass of wine and cooking to French Cafe Radio on Pandora.
Kellee, thanks for putting it down in words. You are a vibrant, loving, giving, Mama and wife.
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