Updates on a Budget

I guess the blessing and curse of being an interior designer, is that you want to keep up with the trends, and you...WANT TO KEEP UP WITH THE TRENDS. This translates into a thorough 'out with the old, in with the new' compulsion about every 5 years or so. We are not fabulously wealthy, so I have to tame the beast when it comes to satisfying the urge to bring a fresh look into my home so frequently. But I do find that my interiors start to look dated, especially when it is my occupation to build homes that are stylish and appealing to a wide range of buyers. I am constantly perusing Pinterest and blogs for light fixtures, cabinets, flooring, paint colors, etc. and it just whets my appetite all the more about my own home. I sometimes hate that about myself, especially when I let my brain settle down and start thinking about a more global perspective on priorities...

But alas, we have been in our home for almost 7 years now, and it was time. I was up for the challenge of changing things up on a budget, so I rearranged some of my stuff and created a fresh look on the mantel and then tackled a few rooms and projects slowly, making use of thrift stores and large doses of elbow grease.

First up in 2014 was our master bedroom. I painted the walls a warm neutral called "Latte" (Sherwin Williams 6108) back when we built the house, because I knew it would provide flexibility with any future changes. In addition, I always keep white/off white bedding on hand, and just change up the rest. I wanted to bring a serene, neutral palette to the room that invites us in to relax. For about $250, I did the following:

• Stained two antique sewing tables from my favorite thrift store with a quick swipe of Rustoleum stain in "Driftwood." I just painted it on, and lightly wiped it off. I replaced the wooden knob with a cute $6 dangle pull from Anthropologie in aqua. These became my bedside tables. (I did something similar to a cherry chest of drawers.)
• I bought two lamps on sale for about $15 each from Lowe's that were the shape I wanted, but I didn't like the base. The glass had been painted from the inside so I swished a LOT of nail polish remover around and wiped it with a paper towel. This gave me clear glass bases, which I covered with cute fabric lampshades. 
• Two throw pillows from Home Goods, one in gray, and one in pale aqua (down filling only, please) and a cotton cable-knit throw from Ikea completed the bed. 
• Using a small swatch of leftover fabric from another project, I recovered a small bench, and a yard of a cotton velvet was enough to make two tiny pillows for my little white boudoir chairs. 
• My big splurge was to replace my ceiling fan/light. Although I hated to lose the fan capability, I figured if I was really dying at night, I could always add a small fan on the floor...but I really wanted a beautiful light hanging from the ceiling with a dimmer switch. It brought a touch of elegance to the room, and soft overhead lighting. 
• Lastly, I added a simple sheer scarf draped over the existing curtain rod to just soften the lines of the window, and let all that natural light in.

Several months later, the next project was an extra bedroom on the second floor. We had painted this room bright green when we moved in and filled it with black and white accents, and although we all loved it 7 years ago, it was time for a relaxing change. Looking for a gray/khaki/white/gold combo with very few subtle pops of color. For about $200 I:

• Painted the walls "Worldly Gray" (Sherwin Williams 7043). I have used this color in several of our new constructions, as it is a warm gray and works with just about everything. 
• Spray painted several accent pieces gold: candle holder, few picture frames, metal wall hanging, and some brushed nickel drawer knobs for the existing white dresser. 
• Bought a pillow with gold sequins at Home Goods for the bed; again covered in white/off white bedding. 
• Covered an old fabric headboard with a furry twin-sized blanket...this was enough to cover a queen sized headboard. Just wrapped it around the existing fabric, and stapled it on the back. 
• Made a pillow with some scrap fabric. 
• Scrounged around my 'stuff' and found some quiet prints framed in gold frames. As well, I found some black and white drawings and photography framed in black. 
• Brought a beautiful bassinet up from storage for my new little granddaughter coming any day now! 

BEFORE:

    

AFTER:

Lesson learned: Often you can update your rooms with a can of paint and a ruffle through your stash of family photos and pictures. I am not a pack rat, but I do understand that trends come and go, and if I just hang on to a few things, they will come back around someday. Who knew that gold/brass would come back to haunt us? I've even seen antique brass door knobs in stores recently! Noooo!!

Our home is designed after the beautiful villas we had seen while living in Italy, and part of our original plan was to install rough hewn beams in our kitchen ceiling. But we never got around to it, until my talented and industrious husband decided to go for it a few weeks ago. It was precarious at times, but we did it together and had lots of fun and near disasters! Materials cost a mere $150, wood and stain. 

As the baby's due date approached, I found I had this nesting instinct to get my lingering projects done and installed...even though I am the Nana, not the Mama! I had a really cute antique chair that I found at the thrift store for $5 that needed new padding and fabric (extra I had in my stash) and a quick coat of paint. 

    

And I really wanted to update my lighting without getting new fixtures. What to do? What to do?... I decided to try making a lampshade that would fit over the curvy lines of my very traditional breakfast table chandelier. For a first attempt, I am rather pleased with the way it looks. I will do a few things differently next time, but I learned a lot of lessons along the way. 

• I ordered an 80' piece of bamboo edging (1"x1/8") that came in a roll from a seller on Ebay for $20 (figure I can make some more lampshades!). Calculating the circumference I would need, I cut the bamboo on a chop saw and glued it into 2 equal circles and let it dry while clamped. 
• Using poster board, I cut pieces in the width of what I wanted the shade's height to be. For this 27" diameter fixture, I made the shade 14" tall, and 29" in diameter. I removed the top level of bulbs (the fixture originally had two levels of lites, 6 on the bottom and 3 on the top). The poster board was glued and clamped to the two hoops with clamps.
• Once dried, I hot-glued a length of fabric in the same manner and covered the rough edges on the interior of the shade with binding tape in a similar color. 
• Now the tricky part was to determine how to actually hang the shade on the fixture. I decided to create a triangle of bamboo edging glued together that could rest on the three candelabra bases where the bulbs had been removed on the top layer. The triangle then rested on the 1/8" thickness of the bamboo edging on the inside of the shade...not super secure but since (most likely) no one will be swinging from it, it works. 

  

Now, come on Baby Girl! We are ready for you to arrive! 

The Case for Staying Home

So much has been expressed in my adult life about gender equality and role assignments, but not all views are given equal voice. Since I grew up in the 1960's, my understanding and opinions were shaped by a lot of stereotypes about this. And the choices I made as an adult woman and their consequences have obviously shaped my opinions. I want to state here at the outset that I realize I am only one of many voices about male and female roles and how households can/should/will work, and that I am not necessarily "right." But I feel like outside of the Christian community, my kind of voice is not even welcome at the discussion table.

I am the voice of the housewife, euphemistically changed to "stay-at-home-mom" in the 1980s. I lived a version of that stereotype and it worked for our family. I read an article today that repeatedly stated or assumed several things I really take issue with:

• that women want it all (what is "all" anyway?)
• if there is a stay-at-home mom, then "the father is the head of the household because he is the provider" 
• the solution to balancing work and family is not about who does what, but about the availability of affordable, quality child care
• and most disturbing: the underlying foundational belief by this writer and many others, that all women want or need a career other than homemaking. 

I want to address all of these things from my perspective. I hold a BS Ed., and worked as a teacher for two years before choosing to stay home full-time to raise my children and serve my family. My husband and I made the choice to live on one income while our children were young, supplementing it with small business ventures that I could participate in. As our kids moved into their teen years, we started a business, and I now work with my husband from our home office. 

I am thankful that we live in a society where women have choices about what they do with their lives. I know that many women work outside the home for a variety of reasons. I would like to speak to the audience of women who are wrestling with the decision to go back to work because they feel compelled to by society, even though they feel the tug to stay home with their babies. There has been an overemphasis on women and career, leaving those of us gals who want to be full-time homemakers in the dust. Inadvertently we feel marginalized, mocked and maybe even a little vilified, like we are contributing to 'the problem.'

Firstly, do all women ascribe to the notion that they can have it all? Do they want it all? What is "it all" anyway? I think the idea of of having it all must mean having a successful career, a happy husband and children. It also includes, among many other things, having enough money to:

• live in a beautiful, well decorated home
• wear a dry-cleaned, stylish wardrobe
• serve our family home-cooked, healthful, organic meals, and eat out a few times per week 
• work out at a gym enough to look fab
• throw our kids carnival-like birthday parties
• drive a new-ish car and get it washed weekly
• take an annual family vacation that includes hotels, restaurants, and plane tickets
• romantic dates and weekends away with our husbands
• serve cheerfully and faithfully at your child's school, your church or favorite charity

Is this really possible? Which of those things could you give up? How much is all that worth to you? And even if it was possible, could a woman really squeeze a successful career into all that anyway? 

What happens, inevitably, is something(s) gives. Either the career suffers, or the meals are made by someone else, or you get out of shape, or you and your husband start fighting, or the child rearing is out-sourced. You can NOT have it all. So ask yourself, what are the things that are most important? What should I give my best to? What are the things that are time-sensitive (like hearing your child's first words, or being there for them when they sick)?

Secondly, I don't embrace the notion that just because the husband brings home the paycheck, he is the head of the household. It actually insults me deeply that someone would write this about my style of family. My husband and I are true partners in every respect. He doesn't look down on my role as a stay-at-home-mom any more than I look down on him because he is an engineer. I don't look down on him because he takes the trash to the dump any more than he looks down on me for cooking. The idea of roles and responsibilities is one that should be discussed when a couple is engaged, and then frequently throughout their marriage. I remember reading a book as a young mom about what it takes to run a family. The authors listed out every single task that had to happen to keep their household functioning like a well-oiled machine. Some of those tasks included feeding the dog, taking out the trash, meal planning, grocery shopping, food preparation, cleaning, changing diapers, etc. It also included, as one of the tasks, earning money. Once they had all the tasks listed out, they were divided among the family members. Although this family had nine children of varying ages, this method would work for any family, and is really important in helping children feel like a necessary part. And I always loved the way the authors just chose to include "earning money" as one of many tasks. Not the most important task, just one of them. Imagine if any of those above tasks were to be excluded. Imagine the chaos and disorder that would ensue if no one took out the trash or changed diapers. ALL of the tasks required to run a family are important. If it makes the most sense for the husband to earn the paycheck, then he should. If it makes more sense for the parents to run a business together, then that's what they should do. But that doesn't make anyone more important than the others. 

Thirdly, it absolutely baffles me that we so readily out-source our childcare. Again, I know there are situations where mothers must leave their children in the care of others in order to work and provide for their families. I'm not talking about them; and most of them would probably say they wished they could stay home with their kids anyway. The writer of the article I mentioned points out the cost of child care for two children exceeds the cost of rent. And the same article states that only 10% of child care is considered high quality. Who could provide a higher quality of childcare than the parents themselves? Why is it an acceptable practice to place your children in the mediocre care of a stranger and then pay exorbitant amounts for it? What are we trading for this? Perhaps the cost of working outside the home should be recalculated: childcare + wardrobe + transportation + meals out + exhaustion + whose values are being communicated to our children = ? Maybe the solution to balancing work and family is about Mom taking some years to devote to family alone. Dads must get in on the game, too and support this decision 100%. So many benefits await the family who can make this happen. 

I knew that the twenty or so years of child-rearing would pass all too quickly. I recognized that no one would love my kids and lay down their life for them like I would. I have loved working at home, don't regret for a minute giving up my teaching career to be a stay-at-home mom, and love the flexibility it has offered our family. I want to list some of the advantages to this life path that I have experienced:

• Financial freedom from spending on work related expenses (wardrobe, dry-cleaning, meals out, child-care, transportation costs, summer camps for kids, housecleaning services)
• Flexibility for the family to only work around one work schedule
• Freedom from work-related stress for at least one of the marriage partners
• Ample opportunity to be involved in child's education and extracurricular activities
• Time to devote to creating a positive atmosphere within one's home
• Opportunity to be home and involved in monitoring children's relationships and activities
• The ability to shape attitudes and belief systems in our children because of the sheer volume of time spent with them
• The ability to work a cottage industry if I so chose, which I did and eventually developed a family business with my husband

The last point I wanted to address is the question of whether or not all women want to work beyond the home. I have two daughters. I wanted them both to have options in life. I wanted them to prepare for a career, while at the same time valuing and honoring the role of a wife and mother. Being a full time homemaker IS a profession. One can become excellent at this job. Our culture is sorely lacking in excellent housewives and mothers, and I believe our "worship" of success is partly to blame. 

Many of my friends, obviously, have chosen the same profession. They are all happy, well-adjusted women who understand the importance of investing in the life of their home. Few of them complain about their jobs. They/we all love our jobs. Our children, many of whom are grown now, are not perfect, but they are secure and confident and well-rounded, having spent their formative years mainly with the people who birthed them and have more of a vested interest in their well-being than anyone else on the planet. 

In addition, our culture is plagued with narcissism. We think our happiness is the ultimate goal. We want the best of everything, and are unsatisfied until we achieve it. There is a decidedly self-centered approach to life. "What is best for me?" rather than "what is best for the children?" seems to be the question that is asked.

So in closing, I would like to say to the moms that are wrestling with their decision to work a job outside their home: ask yourself why you are doing it, and if it's because you feel like your family income needs it, then re-evaluate your spending. If it's about feeling valued or important, ask yourself if giving up the few years your children are young to other people's care is worth it. If it's because you spent a lot of money on your bachelor's degree and feel obligated to use it, just wait. You will have opportunity to use it again, and gain a lot of valuable experience along the way, and an amazing family that will be your biggest cheerleaders!

When a Daughter Marries

This has been one of the most emotional years of my life. All within the last 12 months or so the following has taken place:

-My son Jon asked Stacey to marry him.
-My youngest child, Jessie graduated from high school and went away to college.
-My daughter Abby accepted Dave's marriage proposal.
-My son Nathan went to Army Basic Training.
-My husband had to go to Puerto Rico for work, only bringing him home about once per month.
-I turned 50.
-Jon married Stacey
-Abby married Dave, at our home.




There have been incredible highs and lows of emotion...

When you are truly in love with your best friend, and feel like you are still on your honeymoon after 26 years, it is profoundly difficult to endure regular 3 week separations, with sometimes only 48 hours together in between. Many tears have been shed after intimate moments and on the way home from the airport to drop him off. I just miss him so much.

And on the day my nest became empty, leaving Jessie in her college dorm room was almost unbearable. We both cried buckets that day.

 I got to relish in the accomplishments of Nate at his graduation from Basic Training. We beamed with pride at all he was able to achieve during that hell-ish 10 weeks in a sauna-like South Carolina summer. Private First Class and a platoon leader at that.

Without a doubt, though, seeing your children choose their mates for life brings the wildest swings of emotion. At first, everything is so exciting - they're walking around in the haze of young love, practically oblivious to all else. There is no greater reward than to see your children following hard after God, and then seeing them so wonderfully happy as they find the love of their life. I had this deep sense of satisfaction knowing that they would no longer

have to just observe a great love in their parents; they would experience all of it for themselves!

Then the reality settles in that they are truly leaving your home and establishing their own. This brings some tears, although it is natural and healthy. There is still a tearing away, not unlike labor and delivery, another huge life change, a new season.
 

With my son, I felt more highs than lows...it seems easier to send out a son. A mother feels much pride in the man her son has become, able to love and care for a family of his own. His wedding was a thoroughly joyous occasion. And maybe that was because I wasn't too involved in the planning.  Just so happy that God was blessing our boy with a great woman. He is mature, and ready and take on a family of his own. No stress to go along with the emotions.



But planning and executing my daughter Abby's wedding was a different story. It's now been a little over two weeks since the huge event and I've had some time to pause and reflect. It was absolutely dreamy. We had a nice dry week leading up to an incredibly perfect day. About 75 degrees, a gentle breeze, sunny, no bugs, no humidity. About 145 people descended on our little neighborhood and sat under the trees and celebrated the wedding with us. We had lots of photos with great lighting (of course, well thought-out by the photographer-bride), lawn games, a photo booth, wine, great food, dancing, wonderful fellowship with old friends. Since Abby lives in Seattle, most of the planning happened on this end, so I was heavily engaged. I worked very hard to not become stressed out about the details. I knew that I had no control whatsoever over the weather; our backup plan was to do it all indoors and under a tent attached to the house. Each morning and at moments during the days leading up to it, I took practical steps every time stress would try to creep in. I prayed. I asked God to take care of everything and then I let it go, refused to dwell on it and got on with whatever I had to do. 

And as it turned out, it was perfect. No one was stressed. I had a huge group of amazing friends that stepped up and carried out our wishes for preparing and serving the reception. I hired a small crew to clean up and stack chairs, etc. Many people contributed their time and energy to setting and cleaning up. Everything went off without a hitch. We even had a nice morning after to get the yard back in shape and ready for the rentals company to come and pick everything up. Our family time together with all of the kids home, many extended family here, and so many good friends from years gone by to come and celebrate was beyond satisfying. My tank felt very full.

Watching my beautiful first-born make herself ready for her groom was a moment to soak in. She arranged her lovely curls with flowers and veil. A professional make-up artist came and enhanced all her natural beauty. We zipped and buttoned her into her lace gown, made to fit her lovely form perfectly. I stitched a special garter for her and embellished it with jewels and lace. A simple pearl dangled at her delicate neckline. She was the picture of perfect femininity head to toe. Ready to be given to her man as a gift from God. She was prepared. Her maids laid their hands on her in the ante-room and prayed for God's blessings on this marriage. She veiled her face, and linked arms with her dad. She whispered "I love you Daddy" with a gentle smile. With tears welling up, he said, "I just can't talk to you right now," and they walked down a burlap aisle.

Dave beamed as she approached him on her father's arm. We stood and honored the woman she has become, the bride made ready. They joined hands and committed solemn vows under a canopy of trees, while birds sang in the background. No cathedral could compare to grandeur of that forest.

I am amazed at what a spiritual moment the wedding of your daughter is. So much symbolism...Christ being the groom and the collective church, the bride. We spend our lifetimes making ourselves ready to meet our groom. And the covenant that is made on that day; we also have a covenant bound by love and eternity with our God. The joy that they will share together for a lifetime is all a lovely picture of the intimate relationship that God longs for with us. Those in a loving committed marriage get a little taste of Heaven.

Then there is the letting go of that girl, that young woman from the protection of mother and father and the giving of her to someone else's care. Trusting that he will love and protect her as much or more-so than we have. Kirk has always told our girls, "you'd better not bring me any man that doesn't love you as much as I do!" I rest assured that Dave loves Abby with all of his being. I watched at the rehearsal luncheon how Abby looked at him. There was such deep love and longing in her eyes. I feel quite confident that there is much depth of love, of trust, of hope.

As a matter of fact the word "hope" has appeared over and over again in their love affair. Dave told Abby on their first date, that he had hopes about her. Later, as they sorted out what was happening between them, he often told her that he had hopes for a life shared together. On their wedding programs, "Hope + Life" was emblazoned across the top.

But even with that assurance, there is no denying the intermingling of sadness and joy. Our relationship will never be the same. The change is deafening. The loyalties shifting. She bears his name now. But the joy I feel in knowing that a holy union has taken place and a new family unit formed in the way God intended it to happen, is quite satisfying. I feel completely at peace that this is right. This is what God wanted. This is what He has prepared for her. We've been praying for Dave since Abby was in utero. We certainly didn't know who he would be back then, but we prayed for him all the same. And now here he is. An incredible young man from a tremendous spiritual heritage. We love him and love his family dearly and couldn't have special-ordered anything better for our daughter.

I have reflected so many times in the last few months about my own newly married life. We moved far away from our families, and I know my parents suffered. But as a newlywed, I was completely absorbed in my new life. Calling or writing my parents was not high on my priority list. I see now how much work my mother put into my wedding, all of the scheduling and ordering and arranging. I can imagine how she must have felt being so far away, not having a front-row seat to my love affair. Mothers like all women, love a good romance, and when your own daughters are enjoying one first-hand, Mom would love to be front and center. I took all that for granted until now. Now I'm the mother of the bride with all this emotion to deal with.

But deep-down, I am so happy for them. I love that the legacy Kirk and I have begun is being passed on to this next generation successfully. So many riches have we absorbed from our own parents, and now on to our successors. I know that they will get to experience all the wonders of a committed loving, relationship with a life partner.

Till death do they part.

The Annual Gingerbread House

For the last 22 years, our family has built a gingerbread creation...not always technically a "house" but everything from a Swiss chalet to an igloo to a church. The castle makes its recurrent appearance, this year being one of them. Seems the baby of the family couldn't shake the dream of building a castle this time, and since she's technically the only one still living at home (some of the year), we decided she should have the final say on its design. Other contenders were a Gingerbread Beach Condo and a Gingerbread Yurt - ??? (Our daughter Abby travels internationally a lot for work...so I think she had some exotic rendition in mind...)

So, castle with four turrets, crenelations and a central tower it is. A few years ago Abby put together this video about the process. It has become a family tradition, though as one can see in the video, a bit of a drudgery to Pops Metty. But he loves all the attention his whining brings him. :) This year's was an epic event with lots of extra "Mettys" around to help, give advice, and just eat up the candy. It has become a well-known annual event among those who know us, and each November when the Christmas decorations start coming out o f the attic, I start getting asked, "what's the gingerbread design this year?"

I kept a book called, Let's Make a Memory, by Shirley Dobson on my shelf for the first several years of my marriage. In it, Mrs. Dobson encourages women as keepers of the home, to establish traditions that will draw all family members into a unit. Finding things that everyone enjoys and looks forward to each year is sometimes tricky. You could start doing something that is fun the first year, but no one wants to do it again. Or it's too expensive. Or no one liked it the first year! Holidays are great times of establishing these heartwarming rituals and help to create a unique personality for each family. Have you ever noticed that a home has a personality? Some homes are tense. Some are peaceful. Some fun, or loud, or sad. I have heard it said (and want it for my home!) that laughter should fill the walls.

I strongly believe that this is one of the chief roles a woman plays in her family. She is the one that sets the tone, that builds the emotional intimacy, that is the gatekeeper of influence. We often say, "when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." This is true. But when Mama sets a happy tone in her home, then it is easier for the others to fall in line. Ladies, be proactive about this. If we let the personality of our homes just 'happen,' then it is easy for negativity, criticism, and strife to exist. But if we can be intentional about building our homes, we can pass along a wonderful heritage to our children, and create a place where others will want to come and find rest. That, to me, is the true meaning of hospitality. Making your home a place of refreshment and peace. So many people need this in our world.

To wax philosophical for just a moment: our gingerbread creations may look good on the outside, full of candy and sugar. But they are always empty on the inside; no one lives there, and they sit lonely on the dining room table for weeks after they are built. I want my home to be beautiful, but I wouldn't trade the noisy, busy, fun place that it is for all the finery of a glitzy house. I always want it to be full of people, sharing our lives together.

Dip!

Sometimes, creating a home means creating a home for more than just our immediate family. Sometimes it means providing a nest, an atmosphere of love, peace, joy and safety for others that come into our lives. Our life is but a brief blip on an eternal screen, but what we do with our resources makes all the difference. It has been our aim for many years, especially since having teenagers, to foster a sense of home for everyone who walks through our front (or back!) door, short or long term. Our lives should always be invested in others, for their benefit, but also for the enriching of our own lives. Our guest book is full of a variety of names and faces...middle aged married couples like us, orphaned Ugandan children here for a visit, grandparents, cousins, students, Canadians, South Africans, Filipinos, young and old...each one with a unique memory. Some stayed a night or two, others for a year or more.

Our Kentucky Pie Girl, Jessie is leaving us. She has been a wonderful addition to our family for the past year, staying in one of our extra bedrooms and filling our home with her insights, passions, GRE study vocabulary, and her love. We wanted to celebrate her and her accomplishments with a proper party. We strung up lanterns and gathered the goodies. Though she has a penchant for Mountain Dew and candy, she appreciates good food, and has an as-yet-undeveloped sixth sense in the kitchen. She LOVES dips. So we threw her a party full of dips and good friends. This wasn't really a "cooking night" per se, but everyone brought their favorite dips and dippers, and we ate more than we could calculate, exchanging recipes in the process.

Warning: Dips can be a very high calorie meal, b/c you eat them without really gauging how much you're eating! Here is a sampling...

Guacamole.................Spinach Artichoke......................Bean Salsa

Mexican layers......................Onion Dip...............................White Pizza

After we gorged ourselves on entirely too many grams of fat, we worked it off by playing a rowdy game of Reverse Charades, which I highly recommend. The highlight was when one-year-old Iris Ray served as a perfect Mufasa prop, being hoisted high to act out "The Lion King."

Many kind words were spoken and well-wishes given. Jessie is off to work on a Masters in Social Work at the University of Chicago. She's going to do GREAT. We'll miss her, and she'll really miss us, especially when the chill wind begins to howl over Lake Michigan.

Happy Dipping! (and stay warm Jessie!)