Preparing your Kids for Adulthood

I just finished reading another blog written by a stay-at-home-mom about the challenges of living on one income. I wrote about this in our lives, too. I am thankful that my husband worked hard and studied engineering, for it has made him a marketable employee, and afforded us the opportunity to live comfortably on just his paycheck. I also prepared for a professional career and it was sufficient to support me as a single woman during that phase of my life. I appreciate our parents edging us along in these directions. In generations past, this was common. Parents didn't feel their job was to help their kids discover themselves; it was a more pragmatic task of getting them out the door and employable!

I would like to talk to Moms and Dads about helping your children prepare for their adult life in this very practical way. I hear very little about this job that parents have, instead hearing about the day to day struggles that we all seemed to drown in, and thus losing focus on the big picture. The big picture is this: your children are born into your family and stay with you for about 18-20 years, and then leave you to lead their own homes. Their time in your home is all too brief (as I have written about here) but it is easy for young parents to feel like it might last forever due to sheer exhaustion. If you don't keep the big picture in mind, you will miss opportunities to help shape your children's career choices and thus their ability to support themselves financially.

Most Christian parents are well aware of their duty to help shape their kids' spiritual lives, and we are quite intentional about that. That is good. But there is another job we have that is quite important, too.

One of our main jobs as parents is to help our kids know what they want to do with their lives, how they can earn a living and be responsible, capable, independent adults. I know I am going to step on some toes here, but encouraging (and then paying for) your children to go to college and major in something that has absolutely no direct correlation to preparing them for a career is irresponsible parenting. By the time your sons and daughters leave home, for work or college, they should know a few things about themselves and about the world:

• What are my gifts and talents? What am I really good at?
• What do I love doing? What energizes me?
• Am I introverted or extroverted (or a little of both) and what bearing does that have on my career options/choices?
• Do I know what hard work really is?
• What careers are available to me with my interests?
• Is there a way for me to mesh the things I enjoy doing with a way to earn money?
• What do I need to do to prepare myself for the marketplace?
• What experiences can I gain to make me more marketable?
• Is this career I'm considering a solid one with a good future, and adequate pay? 

Jessie at one of her retail jobs

     

Abby is a journalist

Our sons 'working' for us

The sad tale of scores of unemployed (and maybe unemployable) university graduates is a serious one. So many of our kids' friends have never had a job of any kind, and yet have traveled the world and hold a bachelor's degree in...something...maybe grad school would help? So more debt is incurred, still with the student wondering what they will do with their lives. They continue to live on the generosity of their parents, and postpone serious relationships and marriage, because they haven't really grown up. 

It's a real dog-eat-dog world out there; the world is not impressed with your young adult's amazing summer in China if it does not make the potential employer's company more profitable. 

Parents must not coddle their teens in this area. Let them enjoy being a teen, but help them transition to the work world by requiring them to get a part-time job. Help them understand what it takes to be independent by asking them to pay for their own car insurance and gas. Encourage them to make good financial decisions by helping them budget their money. By the time they graduate from high school, they should have some years of work experience, lots of confidence and some savings. This will put them miles ahead of many of their peers. 

It's difficult to lead your family this way, especially if their friends at school and church aren't raised this way. I can remember many a tough conversation with our kids about why we wouldn't pay for their insurance or their phones, and those conversations always ended with, "I am responsible to stand before God for how I raised you, not so-and-so's parents."

Bankruptcy is not an option!

So parents, embrace this God-given role and help your kids find what they are good at, passionate about and interested in. Lead them in making a good career choice and a plan to prepare for it. It is possible to live on just one income, but it needs to be sufficient income to support a new household. 

And if you are one of those students whose parents didn't help you in this way, find someone who will mentor you. This list for 20-somethings was great, and includes a lot of the things mentioned in this post. If you didn't take these life lessons away from your parents, then now is the time to make them yours. 

The Case for Staying Home

So much has been expressed in my adult life about gender equality and role assignments, but not all views are given equal voice. Since I grew up in the 1960's, my understanding and opinions were shaped by a lot of stereotypes about this. And the choices I made as an adult woman and their consequences have obviously shaped my opinions. I want to state here at the outset that I realize I am only one of many voices about male and female roles and how households can/should/will work, and that I am not necessarily "right." But I feel like outside of the Christian community, my kind of voice is not even welcome at the discussion table.

I am the voice of the housewife, euphemistically changed to "stay-at-home-mom" in the 1980s. I lived a version of that stereotype and it worked for our family. I read an article today that repeatedly stated or assumed several things I really take issue with:

• that women want it all (what is "all" anyway?)
• if there is a stay-at-home mom, then "the father is the head of the household because he is the provider" 
• the solution to balancing work and family is not about who does what, but about the availability of affordable, quality child care
• and most disturbing: the underlying foundational belief by this writer and many others, that all women want or need a career other than homemaking. 

I want to address all of these things from my perspective. I hold a BS Ed., and worked as a teacher for two years before choosing to stay home full-time to raise my children and serve my family. My husband and I made the choice to live on one income while our children were young, supplementing it with small business ventures that I could participate in. As our kids moved into their teen years, we started a business, and I now work with my husband from our home office. 

I am thankful that we live in a society where women have choices about what they do with their lives. I know that many women work outside the home for a variety of reasons. I would like to speak to the audience of women who are wrestling with the decision to go back to work because they feel compelled to by society, even though they feel the tug to stay home with their babies. There has been an overemphasis on women and career, leaving those of us gals who want to be full-time homemakers in the dust. Inadvertently we feel marginalized, mocked and maybe even a little vilified, like we are contributing to 'the problem.'

Firstly, do all women ascribe to the notion that they can have it all? Do they want it all? What is "it all" anyway? I think the idea of of having it all must mean having a successful career, a happy husband and children. It also includes, among many other things, having enough money to:

• live in a beautiful, well decorated home
• wear a dry-cleaned, stylish wardrobe
• serve our family home-cooked, healthful, organic meals, and eat out a few times per week 
• work out at a gym enough to look fab
• throw our kids carnival-like birthday parties
• drive a new-ish car and get it washed weekly
• take an annual family vacation that includes hotels, restaurants, and plane tickets
• romantic dates and weekends away with our husbands
• serve cheerfully and faithfully at your child's school, your church or favorite charity

Is this really possible? Which of those things could you give up? How much is all that worth to you? And even if it was possible, could a woman really squeeze a successful career into all that anyway? 

What happens, inevitably, is something(s) gives. Either the career suffers, or the meals are made by someone else, or you get out of shape, or you and your husband start fighting, or the child rearing is out-sourced. You can NOT have it all. So ask yourself, what are the things that are most important? What should I give my best to? What are the things that are time-sensitive (like hearing your child's first words, or being there for them when they sick)?

Secondly, I don't embrace the notion that just because the husband brings home the paycheck, he is the head of the household. It actually insults me deeply that someone would write this about my style of family. My husband and I are true partners in every respect. He doesn't look down on my role as a stay-at-home-mom any more than I look down on him because he is an engineer. I don't look down on him because he takes the trash to the dump any more than he looks down on me for cooking. The idea of roles and responsibilities is one that should be discussed when a couple is engaged, and then frequently throughout their marriage. I remember reading a book as a young mom about what it takes to run a family. The authors listed out every single task that had to happen to keep their household functioning like a well-oiled machine. Some of those tasks included feeding the dog, taking out the trash, meal planning, grocery shopping, food preparation, cleaning, changing diapers, etc. It also included, as one of the tasks, earning money. Once they had all the tasks listed out, they were divided among the family members. Although this family had nine children of varying ages, this method would work for any family, and is really important in helping children feel like a necessary part. And I always loved the way the authors just chose to include "earning money" as one of many tasks. Not the most important task, just one of them. Imagine if any of those above tasks were to be excluded. Imagine the chaos and disorder that would ensue if no one took out the trash or changed diapers. ALL of the tasks required to run a family are important. If it makes the most sense for the husband to earn the paycheck, then he should. If it makes more sense for the parents to run a business together, then that's what they should do. But that doesn't make anyone more important than the others. 

Thirdly, it absolutely baffles me that we so readily out-source our childcare. Again, I know there are situations where mothers must leave their children in the care of others in order to work and provide for their families. I'm not talking about them; and most of them would probably say they wished they could stay home with their kids anyway. The writer of the article I mentioned points out the cost of child care for two children exceeds the cost of rent. And the same article states that only 10% of child care is considered high quality. Who could provide a higher quality of childcare than the parents themselves? Why is it an acceptable practice to place your children in the mediocre care of a stranger and then pay exorbitant amounts for it? What are we trading for this? Perhaps the cost of working outside the home should be recalculated: childcare + wardrobe + transportation + meals out + exhaustion + whose values are being communicated to our children = ? Maybe the solution to balancing work and family is about Mom taking some years to devote to family alone. Dads must get in on the game, too and support this decision 100%. So many benefits await the family who can make this happen. 

I knew that the twenty or so years of child-rearing would pass all too quickly. I recognized that no one would love my kids and lay down their life for them like I would. I have loved working at home, don't regret for a minute giving up my teaching career to be a stay-at-home mom, and love the flexibility it has offered our family. I want to list some of the advantages to this life path that I have experienced:

• Financial freedom from spending on work related expenses (wardrobe, dry-cleaning, meals out, child-care, transportation costs, summer camps for kids, housecleaning services)
• Flexibility for the family to only work around one work schedule
• Freedom from work-related stress for at least one of the marriage partners
• Ample opportunity to be involved in child's education and extracurricular activities
• Time to devote to creating a positive atmosphere within one's home
• Opportunity to be home and involved in monitoring children's relationships and activities
• The ability to shape attitudes and belief systems in our children because of the sheer volume of time spent with them
• The ability to work a cottage industry if I so chose, which I did and eventually developed a family business with my husband

The last point I wanted to address is the question of whether or not all women want to work beyond the home. I have two daughters. I wanted them both to have options in life. I wanted them to prepare for a career, while at the same time valuing and honoring the role of a wife and mother. Being a full time homemaker IS a profession. One can become excellent at this job. Our culture is sorely lacking in excellent housewives and mothers, and I believe our "worship" of success is partly to blame. 

Many of my friends, obviously, have chosen the same profession. They are all happy, well-adjusted women who understand the importance of investing in the life of their home. Few of them complain about their jobs. They/we all love our jobs. Our children, many of whom are grown now, are not perfect, but they are secure and confident and well-rounded, having spent their formative years mainly with the people who birthed them and have more of a vested interest in their well-being than anyone else on the planet. 

In addition, our culture is plagued with narcissism. We think our happiness is the ultimate goal. We want the best of everything, and are unsatisfied until we achieve it. There is a decidedly self-centered approach to life. "What is best for me?" rather than "what is best for the children?" seems to be the question that is asked.

So in closing, I would like to say to the moms that are wrestling with their decision to work a job outside their home: ask yourself why you are doing it, and if it's because you feel like your family income needs it, then re-evaluate your spending. If it's about feeling valued or important, ask yourself if giving up the few years your children are young to other people's care is worth it. If it's because you spent a lot of money on your bachelor's degree and feel obligated to use it, just wait. You will have opportunity to use it again, and gain a lot of valuable experience along the way, and an amazing family that will be your biggest cheerleaders!