Preparing your Kids for Adulthood

I just finished reading another blog written by a stay-at-home-mom about the challenges of living on one income. I wrote about this in our lives, too. I am thankful that my husband worked hard and studied engineering, for it has made him a marketable employee, and afforded us the opportunity to live comfortably on just his paycheck. I also prepared for a professional career and it was sufficient to support me as a single woman during that phase of my life. I appreciate our parents edging us along in these directions. In generations past, this was common. Parents didn't feel their job was to help their kids discover themselves; it was a more pragmatic task of getting them out the door and employable!

I would like to talk to Moms and Dads about helping your children prepare for their adult life in this very practical way. I hear very little about this job that parents have, instead hearing about the day to day struggles that we all seemed to drown in, and thus losing focus on the big picture. The big picture is this: your children are born into your family and stay with you for about 18-20 years, and then leave you to lead their own homes. Their time in your home is all too brief (as I have written about here) but it is easy for young parents to feel like it might last forever due to sheer exhaustion. If you don't keep the big picture in mind, you will miss opportunities to help shape your children's career choices and thus their ability to support themselves financially.

Most Christian parents are well aware of their duty to help shape their kids' spiritual lives, and we are quite intentional about that. That is good. But there is another job we have that is quite important, too.

One of our main jobs as parents is to help our kids know what they want to do with their lives, how they can earn a living and be responsible, capable, independent adults. I know I am going to step on some toes here, but encouraging (and then paying for) your children to go to college and major in something that has absolutely no direct correlation to preparing them for a career is irresponsible parenting. By the time your sons and daughters leave home, for work or college, they should know a few things about themselves and about the world:

• What are my gifts and talents? What am I really good at?
• What do I love doing? What energizes me?
• Am I introverted or extroverted (or a little of both) and what bearing does that have on my career options/choices?
• Do I know what hard work really is?
• What careers are available to me with my interests?
• Is there a way for me to mesh the things I enjoy doing with a way to earn money?
• What do I need to do to prepare myself for the marketplace?
• What experiences can I gain to make me more marketable?
• Is this career I'm considering a solid one with a good future, and adequate pay? 

Jessie at one of her retail jobs

     

Abby is a journalist

Our sons 'working' for us

The sad tale of scores of unemployed (and maybe unemployable) university graduates is a serious one. So many of our kids' friends have never had a job of any kind, and yet have traveled the world and hold a bachelor's degree in...something...maybe grad school would help? So more debt is incurred, still with the student wondering what they will do with their lives. They continue to live on the generosity of their parents, and postpone serious relationships and marriage, because they haven't really grown up. 

It's a real dog-eat-dog world out there; the world is not impressed with your young adult's amazing summer in China if it does not make the potential employer's company more profitable. 

Parents must not coddle their teens in this area. Let them enjoy being a teen, but help them transition to the work world by requiring them to get a part-time job. Help them understand what it takes to be independent by asking them to pay for their own car insurance and gas. Encourage them to make good financial decisions by helping them budget their money. By the time they graduate from high school, they should have some years of work experience, lots of confidence and some savings. This will put them miles ahead of many of their peers. 

It's difficult to lead your family this way, especially if their friends at school and church aren't raised this way. I can remember many a tough conversation with our kids about why we wouldn't pay for their insurance or their phones, and those conversations always ended with, "I am responsible to stand before God for how I raised you, not so-and-so's parents."

Bankruptcy is not an option!

So parents, embrace this God-given role and help your kids find what they are good at, passionate about and interested in. Lead them in making a good career choice and a plan to prepare for it. It is possible to live on just one income, but it needs to be sufficient income to support a new household. 

And if you are one of those students whose parents didn't help you in this way, find someone who will mentor you. This list for 20-somethings was great, and includes a lot of the things mentioned in this post. If you didn't take these life lessons away from your parents, then now is the time to make them yours. 

When a Daughter Marries

This has been one of the most emotional years of my life. All within the last 12 months or so the following has taken place:

-My son Jon asked Stacey to marry him.
-My youngest child, Jessie graduated from high school and went away to college.
-My daughter Abby accepted Dave's marriage proposal.
-My son Nathan went to Army Basic Training.
-My husband had to go to Puerto Rico for work, only bringing him home about once per month.
-I turned 50.
-Jon married Stacey
-Abby married Dave, at our home.




There have been incredible highs and lows of emotion...

When you are truly in love with your best friend, and feel like you are still on your honeymoon after 26 years, it is profoundly difficult to endure regular 3 week separations, with sometimes only 48 hours together in between. Many tears have been shed after intimate moments and on the way home from the airport to drop him off. I just miss him so much.

And on the day my nest became empty, leaving Jessie in her college dorm room was almost unbearable. We both cried buckets that day.

 I got to relish in the accomplishments of Nate at his graduation from Basic Training. We beamed with pride at all he was able to achieve during that hell-ish 10 weeks in a sauna-like South Carolina summer. Private First Class and a platoon leader at that.

Without a doubt, though, seeing your children choose their mates for life brings the wildest swings of emotion. At first, everything is so exciting - they're walking around in the haze of young love, practically oblivious to all else. There is no greater reward than to see your children following hard after God, and then seeing them so wonderfully happy as they find the love of their life. I had this deep sense of satisfaction knowing that they would no longer

have to just observe a great love in their parents; they would experience all of it for themselves!

Then the reality settles in that they are truly leaving your home and establishing their own. This brings some tears, although it is natural and healthy. There is still a tearing away, not unlike labor and delivery, another huge life change, a new season.
 

With my son, I felt more highs than lows...it seems easier to send out a son. A mother feels much pride in the man her son has become, able to love and care for a family of his own. His wedding was a thoroughly joyous occasion. And maybe that was because I wasn't too involved in the planning.  Just so happy that God was blessing our boy with a great woman. He is mature, and ready and take on a family of his own. No stress to go along with the emotions.



But planning and executing my daughter Abby's wedding was a different story. It's now been a little over two weeks since the huge event and I've had some time to pause and reflect. It was absolutely dreamy. We had a nice dry week leading up to an incredibly perfect day. About 75 degrees, a gentle breeze, sunny, no bugs, no humidity. About 145 people descended on our little neighborhood and sat under the trees and celebrated the wedding with us. We had lots of photos with great lighting (of course, well thought-out by the photographer-bride), lawn games, a photo booth, wine, great food, dancing, wonderful fellowship with old friends. Since Abby lives in Seattle, most of the planning happened on this end, so I was heavily engaged. I worked very hard to not become stressed out about the details. I knew that I had no control whatsoever over the weather; our backup plan was to do it all indoors and under a tent attached to the house. Each morning and at moments during the days leading up to it, I took practical steps every time stress would try to creep in. I prayed. I asked God to take care of everything and then I let it go, refused to dwell on it and got on with whatever I had to do. 

And as it turned out, it was perfect. No one was stressed. I had a huge group of amazing friends that stepped up and carried out our wishes for preparing and serving the reception. I hired a small crew to clean up and stack chairs, etc. Many people contributed their time and energy to setting and cleaning up. Everything went off without a hitch. We even had a nice morning after to get the yard back in shape and ready for the rentals company to come and pick everything up. Our family time together with all of the kids home, many extended family here, and so many good friends from years gone by to come and celebrate was beyond satisfying. My tank felt very full.

Watching my beautiful first-born make herself ready for her groom was a moment to soak in. She arranged her lovely curls with flowers and veil. A professional make-up artist came and enhanced all her natural beauty. We zipped and buttoned her into her lace gown, made to fit her lovely form perfectly. I stitched a special garter for her and embellished it with jewels and lace. A simple pearl dangled at her delicate neckline. She was the picture of perfect femininity head to toe. Ready to be given to her man as a gift from God. She was prepared. Her maids laid their hands on her in the ante-room and prayed for God's blessings on this marriage. She veiled her face, and linked arms with her dad. She whispered "I love you Daddy" with a gentle smile. With tears welling up, he said, "I just can't talk to you right now," and they walked down a burlap aisle.

Dave beamed as she approached him on her father's arm. We stood and honored the woman she has become, the bride made ready. They joined hands and committed solemn vows under a canopy of trees, while birds sang in the background. No cathedral could compare to grandeur of that forest.

I am amazed at what a spiritual moment the wedding of your daughter is. So much symbolism...Christ being the groom and the collective church, the bride. We spend our lifetimes making ourselves ready to meet our groom. And the covenant that is made on that day; we also have a covenant bound by love and eternity with our God. The joy that they will share together for a lifetime is all a lovely picture of the intimate relationship that God longs for with us. Those in a loving committed marriage get a little taste of Heaven.

Then there is the letting go of that girl, that young woman from the protection of mother and father and the giving of her to someone else's care. Trusting that he will love and protect her as much or more-so than we have. Kirk has always told our girls, "you'd better not bring me any man that doesn't love you as much as I do!" I rest assured that Dave loves Abby with all of his being. I watched at the rehearsal luncheon how Abby looked at him. There was such deep love and longing in her eyes. I feel quite confident that there is much depth of love, of trust, of hope.

As a matter of fact the word "hope" has appeared over and over again in their love affair. Dave told Abby on their first date, that he had hopes about her. Later, as they sorted out what was happening between them, he often told her that he had hopes for a life shared together. On their wedding programs, "Hope + Life" was emblazoned across the top.

But even with that assurance, there is no denying the intermingling of sadness and joy. Our relationship will never be the same. The change is deafening. The loyalties shifting. She bears his name now. But the joy I feel in knowing that a holy union has taken place and a new family unit formed in the way God intended it to happen, is quite satisfying. I feel completely at peace that this is right. This is what God wanted. This is what He has prepared for her. We've been praying for Dave since Abby was in utero. We certainly didn't know who he would be back then, but we prayed for him all the same. And now here he is. An incredible young man from a tremendous spiritual heritage. We love him and love his family dearly and couldn't have special-ordered anything better for our daughter.

I have reflected so many times in the last few months about my own newly married life. We moved far away from our families, and I know my parents suffered. But as a newlywed, I was completely absorbed in my new life. Calling or writing my parents was not high on my priority list. I see now how much work my mother put into my wedding, all of the scheduling and ordering and arranging. I can imagine how she must have felt being so far away, not having a front-row seat to my love affair. Mothers like all women, love a good romance, and when your own daughters are enjoying one first-hand, Mom would love to be front and center. I took all that for granted until now. Now I'm the mother of the bride with all this emotion to deal with.

But deep-down, I am so happy for them. I love that the legacy Kirk and I have begun is being passed on to this next generation successfully. So many riches have we absorbed from our own parents, and now on to our successors. I know that they will get to experience all the wonders of a committed loving, relationship with a life partner.

Till death do they part.